Hold me now. I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking… maybe six feet ain’t so far down.
We’ve all had bad days. Some of us have had a really bad days. Me? I’ve had a lot of really bad days. Most of the time I’m okay with it all. But sometimes I stand on the edge of the cliff or the railing of the bridge, literally, and I think about moving just a few more inches further. It would be easy. I never have of course and I doubt I ever would. But I fucking think about it. I also think of just walking away from my life. I think about picking up the next pretty skirt that walks by and just driving far far away. No calling anybody to tell them where I’ve gone. No leaving a note or a number, just disappearing like so many magicians before me.
So how do I cope? How do I back up and make sure that the direction I move is one towards relative physical safety? I wish I had an answer for you. I really fucking do. We deserve answers. Especially when we feel the way we do sometimes. I have yet to find them. Even when I believed in a god, I rarely found solace. If anything I only found more questions. But maybe we aren’t meant to find answers. Maybe the point of life is to keep asking questions.
I’ve found that finding new questions to ask has given me a reason, often, to keep going. I think if I had all the answers life would be pretty fucking boring. So how do I find new questions? Well, that’s the hard part sometimes. I run, and my surroundings during my runs usually provide me with a multitude of new curiosities. I also read a lot. Reading I think keeps me going if only because I think of all the unfinished books out there that deserve to be read. I can’t help but feel a sense fulfillment when I get to the end of one of those books. I can’t help but think that somehow the world, if not myself, is just a little bit better because I read that story.
The final mechanism that has kept yours truly alive these many years is music. I love music in many varied forms. Ray Charles once noted that “Writing music is hard. You have to say in two and a half minutes what most movies take two and half hours to say.” I guess that’s why I like music so much. You have to get very creative very fast for your song to not sound like every other song that’s ever been written.
Speaking of writing, I guess that’s another thing I do. When you take everything I’ve described above you get the birth of this blog. I have other written work but I felt I needed a place that I could write and share some deeper stuff. More importantly I felt I needed a place I could swear. I could do it on my other blog, but it’s grown to a point where I just don’t feel it would fit on my posts there. So that’s what this blog is. It’s a raw version of me. It’s posts inspired by my darker thoughts, music, and my love of swearing, lots of fucking swearing.